How to motivate a teen

[klfrodo]

This will be long winded. Maybe reaching out for help on this board is more therapy for myself rather than a real question.

 

My wife and I (I'm 62) are doing a 5 week self guided tour/cruise through Europe in 2021. We want to take our granddaughter who will be 16 at the time. Both of us grew up dirt poor with nothing and feel blessed to be able to provide this opportunity for her. We live half way across the country from her and don't see her regularly, but do occasionally text or Facetime.

 

She and her dad just recently did a 1 week tour of the Southwest. Including SoCal, Nevada, and Arizona. I asked her dad how it went. He says, "We're at the Grand Canyon and she's got her face in her phone. I tell her hey, isn't that beautiful? She looks at him and says, Dad, it's a rock!"  and THERE IT IS.....

 

I'm not really interested in spending $20K on a cruise and land tour if that means dragging a grumpy uninterested teen along. Then again, I don't want to be the grumpy grandpa. I want to be the cool grandpa. We've spoken with her. She knows London is in England,,, that's it. When I ask what she would like to do in London,,,, I don't really know. What about Paris? I'd love to go to Paris. What would you like to do? I don't really know.    me: Uuuugggghhh!

 

So,,, for those of you with teens and/or Pscyh degrees. What techniques/ideas/motivational tools have work for you to have a teen girl interested in London, Paris, Normandy, Barcelona, and a cruise around Italy?

 

Help a lost Grandpa please.

 

Kelly

[Itchy&Scratchy]

43 minutes ago, klfrodo said:

I'm not really interested in spending $20K on a cruise and land tour if that means dragging a grumpy uninterested teen along.

then don't. A lot of grumpy, angry teenagers aren't all that grateful for kind of thing. And at that age some teens don't even want to travel with their parental units or grandparents.

There is a chance she'll be better in a year and a half. Would you stake $20K on it? 

[Kerry's Girls]

What an amazing gift.  In addition to being priceless time together, this may be the trip that opens up new ideas for her about life outside her own.  It may give her the travel bug and motivate her to see more.  I would send her a few ideas for each place, since she has no idea, and let her choose one that she wants to do.  She may be a grumpy teen with her parents, but hopefully not with you.  As I do with my own teens, I would lay down the rules and expectations ahead of time.  For us, they are expected to participate in all daytime activities.  If they want to stay back in the hotel room or ship in the evening, that's ok as I know they need their downtime/time away from me.

 

One thing is that cell service is pricey overseas.  I have twin teens and the rule is they don't have paid cell service - they only get to use the wifi in the hotel and I buy the wifi package on the ship.  That way the only thing they can do with their phone while sightseeing is take pictures.   

 

If she doesn't want to participate in choosing what to do, choose what makes you happy, but no museums unless it's something she wants to see.  We have much more fun being outside, exploring, and if we hire a guide, it doesn't hurt to choose a charming young man.  If she's trustworthy, let her go down to the restaurant for breakfast on her own, etc to have a little independence (my 15 year old is allowed to go on short walks on her own in cities - with cell service turned on - but she's well-traveled).

 

There are always challenging times traveling with teens, but that's not what we end up remembering.  I do agree with Itchy above though - I wouldn't take her if she's not enthusiastic to go in the first place.  I'd let her sit with the itinerary and choices a little while and see what she says.

Edited January 10, 2020 by Kerry's Girls

[cb at sea]

Take her....and once onboard, lock the phone in the safe.  Tell her it's expensive to use data on a ship and you're not doing it.  Sometimes, teens need a bit of an "upset" in routine to make changes!

[1025cruise]

Sounds like a wonderful trip. I wish my grandparents would have taken me on some of their travels.

[Kerry's Girls]

52 minutes ago, cb at sea said:

Take her....and once onboard, lock the phone in the safe.  Tell her it's expensive to use data on a ship and you're not doing it.  Sometimes, teens need a bit of an "upset" in routine to make changes!

Since the question is about not wasting money a morose teen, not sure this is helpful.  As an actual parent to teens, I suggest that buying the data on the ship is a productive compromise to using the phone in port.  The fact is that sharing pictures on Instagram and staying in touch with friends is a part of teens' lives and adds to their experiences.  It also allows communication with parents at home and creates a lovely diary of the trip to remember forever.  

 

I would add to my suggested rules however that the phone can not be used at meals.  There should also be a plan upfront for what happens if the phone is lost or stolen while away (is she or the parents going to replace it, since you will not?).   I would gift her with an Otterbox phone cover to avoid damage when dropped on cobblestones and make sure she's prepared for street-theft (no phone in pocket or backpack - needs to be a crossbody purse, etc.). 

[kitkat343]

Can you ask her to do some of the planning for the trip?  If she actually sounds enthusiastic about what she wants to see after researching it, I'd  feel a lot better about taking her.  We went with my dad on a Greek cruise (he got dragged for my mom's 60th birthday) and his reaction to Olympus was, "another pile of rocks."  You might want to leave her at home if she can't find anything she's excited to see in Europe.  

Edited January 10, 2020 by kitkat343

[chipmaster]

Enjoy what you will get versus wish or try to manage what you want.   If you can't accept teens then it will be ugly.  

 

Many ideas to pry kids and adults from their smartphones, most of them suggested, but I'd tread carefully there, you could end up with a sulking companion for the duration, or a the birth of a attentive and close teen, how well do you know the grandchild?

[mjkacmom]

I’ve had 5 teens (3 are still teens), 2 would’ve loved a trip like this, the other 3 probably wouldn’t. Does she want to go on this trip? Are you close to her? I remember taking my oldest to DC when they were 6, 9 and 11, my 6 year old went with the flow, my 9 year old loved everything (he’s still a history buff), my 11 year old kept asking when we were going back to the hotel to swim (she’s still not a museum fan at 23, but loves adventurous travel, very outdoorsy). My 18 year old went on a week long trip to London with her grandmother and aunt when she was 13, one of her fondest memories, but I don’t think her younger siblings would’ve enjoyed it without other kids along. Most teens want to be with other teens, so don’t be so hard on her.

[klfrodo]

2 bad and out of touch opinions and 5 helpful responses. To those 5, I thank you.

 

Cell phone and internet connectivity - That's her lifeline to the outside world. It's her camera that's going to capture, store, and allow her to share memories. It's her sanctuary for when she wants to read a book or watch a movie and get away from it all. And a couple of you suggest keeping it locked up? Nope. Not doing it. Buying the premium wifi package on the ship AND ensuring I have a mobile wifi hotspot for us to stay connected while on the ground with my Skyroam. If you have internet access and your phone is set on wifi calling, there are no additional charges to call home.

 

Does she want to go? Great question. I asked her Dad. He said she'd love it. I asked her mom. She said she'd love it. I asked her. She said Yes..... Now, is she saying yes because she really really really wants to go? or out of a sense of obligation?  

 

Are we close? No. She lives in rural Missouri and we live in Washington State. My wife and I did take her on a Caribbean cruise last summer. We had a very good time. She said she had a great time. After we came back, I put together by cruise vacation video from my GoPro. I sent her a copy. (This is where I was a little disappointed but also very proud of her for taking a stand). She viewed and said it looks great. She also strongly requested that I not publish it on YouTube. I asked why. She said, because I'm only 14 and I don't want my image or likeness to be on that big of a platform.

 

I have begun to send her links to short videos of,,, like,,, The History of London.   Then maybe I'll send a link of Top 10 Things to see and do in London. and so on and so on. Followed up with some FaceTime chats to allow her to have some input on what to do where.

[1025cruise]

I'd say definitely include her in the planning if you go forward. Your initial question of what do you want to do might have gotten the blank stare simply because she has never been there and doesn't know what to do? 

 

My grandparents travelled extensively, when they were able. I wish I could have gone with them. Just because she might have her head in the phone, doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't appreciate what she is seeing. Since you are long distance grandparents she might just appreciate spending some time with you.

 

If you are willing to do the trip, and she is willing to go, go for it. It will definitely be a memorable experience.

[Essiesmom]

I would suggest sending her - or having her parents get - guidebooks on the places on your itinerary.  Ask her to find things in them that would interest her.  And things she definitely has no interest in.  I hear Harry Potter tours are making a comeback...EM

[mjkacmom]

One thing I’ve noticed about my teens is that they just don’t get excited about future plans like I do, they usually have more things closer on the horizon to be excited about. I recall getting excited about trips, only to be told “mom, that’s next year”. 

[kelpiegirl]

So, I have my teen (and my tween) help in our travel plans, you sound like you have realistic expectations and she does sound like she wants to go.  I would continue to send her things about the cities (you tube videos work well for this age group) you guys are visiting and see if she'd like to pick a few things at each location that she'd really like to do.  I would expect that she will want to spend some time in the teen club or hanging out with other teens but that's a good thing as with a trip that long you will need a little break from each other.  Just make sure you have ground rules and an easy way to communicate.  We get the apps on the ship so we can easily reach each other and have a rough plan.  We actually went to London, Normandy, and Paris in 2018 and are going to Italy/Greece this year.  My suggestions would change based on her personality and likes but this is what my kids enjoyed.  Obviously, follow her interests (photography, history, food, etc).  I don't have an issue with mine using his phone to send a few messages or sharing photos with his friends because that means they are enjoying it.  I do not want them watching videos or playing games on their phones while we are visiting places but when we take a break at a cafe, etc they can do whatever they want to relax too.

 

Paris: Besides the must do museums, Eiffel tower, etc.  We  enjoyed Jardin du Tuilaries (park just outside the Louvre, they have individual trampolines for a couple euro and even my teen enjoyed jumping a bit).  One afternoon we took a walk on the Champs Elysees, did a little shopping, ate at an outdoor bistro, and visited the Arc de Triomphe.  

 

Normandy: We stayed at an air bnb on the beaches of Arromanche.  That was pretty cool.  Wish we had more time.  If it's warm enough hit the beach.  We ended up just walking and flying a kite due to cooler weather.  

 

London: My teen actually really liked Stonehenge and Bath.  We did the Sunset inner circle at Stonehenge and that was well worth it.  We really loved the HP studios tour (if time allows and she's a HP fan).  It's easy to get to on the train.  Otherwise we hit the major sites and did a lot of walking as our time was cut short.  

 

Not sure what your plans are but we took the overnight ferry from Normandy to London (our last stop).  We got the best cabin and it was great.  The cost was much less than it would have cost us to take the train plus we didn't have to pay for a hotel that night.  

 

Here's a couple places we'd found useful ideas or my teen will read/watch, that are a little more his pace than Rick Steves, etc. I also usually type in "teens and ..." for whatever city we are going to and usually I find a video or something.  

 

I look here, it's a travel group program for teens but I check when they do in each area for ideas.  

https://www.travelforteens.com/

https://wanderlustcrew.com/travel-teens-best-2-week-europe-trip-itinerary/

https://www.ricksteves.com/watch-read-listen/read/articles/tips-for-traveling-to-europe-with-teens

https://www.thelondonmother.net/teenagers-london/

 

Teen girl with her own travel blog

https://www.dreamtimetraveler.com/tag/italy/

 

 

Good luck and have an amazing trip!  Memories last a lifetime!  Kudos for you for taking her!

 

[M2LR]

I would definitely get her involved in the planning. My first cruise was to Alaska when I was 16. I don't think I had ever expressed any desire to see Alaska up to that point but looking at all the brochures and books and helping choose things is what really got be excited about going. I would send her a guidebook (ebook it sounds like, haha) and brochures and have her start looking it over. Just because she can't come up with stuff on the spot doesn't mean that she never will want to engage in the process. Maybe look up some Instagram travel bloggers and find people that have visited the cities you want to recently. In the end if you really can't engage her would you think about postponing a year or two. She might change a lot in the next few years as she becomes an adult.

[lbjen]

On 1/30/2020 at 11:07 AM, M2LR said:

I would definitely get her involved in the planning. My first cruise was to Alaska when I was 16. I don't think I had ever expressed any desire to see Alaska up to that point but looking at all the brochures and books and helping choose things is what really got be excited about going. I would send her a guidebook (ebook it sounds like, haha) and brochures and have her start looking it over. Just because she can't come up with stuff on the spot doesn't mean that she never will want to engage in the process. Maybe look up some Instagram travel bloggers and find people that have visited the cities you want to recently. In the end if you really can't engage her would you think about postponing a year or two. She might change a lot in the next few years as she becomes an adult.

 

I was going to suggest the same - see what’s being instagrammed in these places, it’s probably places you wouldn’t even think to go yourselves. And then you pepper in the standard stuff like London Eye, Eiffel Tower etc. Why don’t you ask her to research who the best travel instagrammers are, that will probably get her going.

[gi_pam]

I have a 16 and 19 year old, and we've been living in Europe for the past 2 1/2 years. We have traveled a lot while we're here to make the most of the opportunity.

 

There have been some ups and downs. Many mornings where we couldn't get kids out of bed to start the day. Skipped breakfasts because they're too tired (but still made the tour timings) followed by whining about being hungry. And lots of heads in phones. 

 

But I will say that they have really enjoyed the trips. In spite of some aggravating moments, they've seen some of the best parts of the world and they are grateful. 

 

If your granddaughter is like my 16 year old daughter, one of the best parts of the trip will be the pictures for instagram. My daughter has to get the perfect shot everywhere we go (she plans ahead for what she's going to wear and where she wants a picture). We help her with that (she says I'm a better Instagram photographer than her dad is!).  She gets input into what we do and gets to skip things at times. We pick the battles and try to let her have the vacation she wants while letting her know that family time is part of it too. Dinner on the ship is required in general. Sometimes they had made plans with friends they met on the ship who had a different dining time, so we let them bow out that night. 

 

The cruises our kids had the best times on were the ones where they met kids in the teen club. Encourage her to go to the first night "meet and greet" at the teen club. Now, if that's successful, you may not see much of her 🙂 

 

I would say to set yourself up for some moments where you wish she'd put the phone down. Expect she'll be uninterested in some of the stuff. Manage expectations. But in the end, she'll probably look back on this vacation as one of the best times she ever had. 

[klfrodo]

I want to thank everyone for their valuable input.

Here's where we are so far.

We have our flat in London, our apartment in Paris, and our hotel in Barcelona set.

I have sent her links to each location so she can go on youtube and google earth to see locations.

I have sent her links to toursbylocals so she can see what tours will be available so she can be part of the planning and selection process

We're both doing Duolingo to become somewhat familiar with some basic French. I don't expect to be conversational fluent, but basic greetings are only appropriate in my opinion.

Sending her youtube links to foods and things to do.

This summer, my wife and I are flying to Missouri to stay with daughter, hubby, and granddaughter for a week. This is where I'll approach packing 😮 This will be a challange. 5 weeks and my request is 1 checked bag and 1 carry-on. No, grandpa is not going to be your pack mule. You pack it, you carry it. (This includes any souvineers you plan to bring back)

 

Any way, I think my expectations are realistic. I expect her to want to sleep in. I expect her to be bored with some things. I expect her to be online constantly. Don't want to think about it but I expect her to be missing a close friend while we are gone. And yes, calling home or Facetiming will be an expectation. That why I'll have my wifi hotspot.

Edited February 7, 2020 by klfrodo

[Cristinagsd]

On 1/10/2020 at 11:22 AM, klfrodo said:

This will be long winded. Maybe reaching out for help on this board is more therapy for myself rather than a real question.

 

My wife and I (I'm 62) are doing a 5 week self guided tour/cruise through Europe in 2021. We want to take our granddaughter who will be 16 at the time. Both of us grew up dirt poor with nothing and feel blessed to be able to provide this opportunity for her. We live half way across the country from her and don't see her regularly, but do occasionally text or Facetime.

 

She and her dad just recently did a 1 week tour of the Southwest. Including SoCal, Nevada, and Arizona. I asked her dad how it went. He says, "We're at the Grand Canyon and she's got her face in her phone. I tell her hey, isn't that beautiful? She looks at him and says, Dad, it's a rock!"  and THERE IT IS.....

 

I'm not really interested in spending $20K on a cruise and land tour if that means dragging a grumpy uninterested teen along. Then again, I don't want to be the grumpy grandpa. I want to be the cool grandpa. We've spoken with her. She knows London is in England,,, that's it. When I ask what she would like to do in London,,,, I don't really know. What about Paris? I'd love to go to Paris. What would you like to do? I don't really know.    me: Uuuugggghhh!

 

So,,, for those of you with teens and/or Pscyh degrees. What techniques/ideas/motivational tools have work for you to have a teen girl interested in London, Paris, Normandy, Barcelona, and a cruise around Italy?

 

Help a lost Grandpa please.

 

Kelly

We just took our 16yo on his first cruise and did not pay for internet for him. He's quiet and reserved, and we weren't sure he would have fun. Well, he had the most fun of all our kids. He went to the teen club all the time, made friends, we barely saw him. He checked in when we said to and we ate meals together. It was great to reconnect as a family and also let him have freedom. I agree with other posters that you should put her phone away when internet is unavailable or expensive. Hopefully she will also rise to the occasion. In addition, consider getting her a travel guide for some of the areas you are going, so she can read about the sights. Or heck even text her travel sites, connect on her level. And if she is into Instagram, be the cool grandpa that helps her take cool pictures, even if she can't post them immediately due to internet. Have fun!

[Travel R]

We have been lucky enough to do two European sailings with my daughters (9 and 13 then 13 and 17) to Western Med and Baltic Seas.

 

As mentioned by others above, your granddaughter involved with the planning. Although I planned most of the trip, I performed research on the ports and excursions and then provided what I had found to my family (and yes, I included excursions that I may not have liked, but thought that my daughters would).  I also chose the cruise line/ship based on what would be more kid-friendly. After they looked at the materials (including links to the various places/activities), we discussed them and decided on what to do in each port as a family.  Just keep in mind, that there are sacrifices -- No, I did not get to see all of the art museums I would have liked to visit, or taken that wine tasting tour, but we chose excursions that we could all agree with. We also decided the activities pre- and post-cruise together. We ALL had a great time on both cruises.

 

We did not get WiFi for the ship on either cruise, however, they spent so much time with other kids they met at the Kids Clubs, they did not need their phones anyway. [The key is to get them to attend the initial teen meet-up the first night of the cruise where they will meet their best friends for life for as long as the cruise lasts; actually my older DD still speaks to some of the friends she had met on prior cruises.]

 

Our rule for spending time was that they had to go on the excursions with us during the day (European port excursions can be long full-day tours), and spend at least two dinners eating as a family. [There were many times they would have dinner with their friends - I remember one "formal night" where they and all their friends (boys and girls) dressed up and sat at a top-10 in the MDR together.]

 

Lastly - what the kids say and what the kids really think are two different things.  At 16 teens think they know everything and  will say that all this "old stuff" is not of any importance to their world.  However, if you watch and listen close enough, they do appreciate it - they will just never let you know it if they can help it.

 

Although both of the cruises were a few years ago, you can read my reviews (the links are in my signature), and I did gear both reviews to cruisers travelling with teens.

 

Take her and you will all enjoy!

 

Travel R

 

[Travel R]

As a follow-up, I re-read your original post again and noticed that the vacation would be for 5 weeks.  Depending on your granddaughter, that might be too long of a trip.  Knowing my own daughters, my older DD would jump at the chance (regardless of what age she is) - even if the trip was 5 months. My younger daughter (now 16), on the other hand would probably prefer a shorter trip.  You mentioned that the trip would be part self-guided and part cruise.  If possible, maybe only taking her on part of the vacation would be best? Also, when choosing a cruise ship/line, try to chose one which would have a larger number of older teens onboard.

 

[Callalilly88]

Having been an airline brat since the age of 3, and now sill in the business, I too, was dragged around around Europe and not appreciate where I was. I saw the Mona Lisa and had no clue why it was so special, etc. What I hold dearly is the old train station smells in Europe, and the hick-ups we encountered traveling, car been towed in Bruges Belgium, trying to order grape juice and getting grapefruit juice. My grandma took me on an Alaska cruise when I was 20. Again, it was the time I had just with her that I cherished most.  Now with my kids, as I drag them around the globe, I give them a heads up of the significance of the place and let them decide if it interests them. I took a snapshot of them in front of the glass pyramid at the Louvre. I said this is where... you guys can come back when you're older when you'd appreciate more. Hence, we never taken them to the Grand Canyon. I'm so glad that I did that trip in my 30's! Good luck.