“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[Kartgv]

Courtesy of a very funny neighbor on NextDoor:

 

"People are mad about not being able to go places. Please. I was grounded about 90% of the time between the 7th and 12th grade. I trained for this!"

[Paulpgr]

DOG FOR SALE:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

[C-Dragons]

 

[C-Dragons]

[Paulpgr]

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* ATSC-  At the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* PBL- Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

* WPA - Wet Pants Again

      * GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

[Paulpgr]

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the country fair every year.

And every year Stewart would say "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".                                   

 

 Barbara always replied "I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!".
One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said "Barbara, I am 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter I might never get a chance".                  

                       

To this this Barbara replied " Stewart that helicopter ride is seventy quid and seventy quid is seventy quid".
The pilot overheard the couple and said                                     

                                                  

" Folks, I'll

make you an deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny.

 

 

 But if you say one word it's seventy quid" Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kind of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.                                            

 

He did his dare devil tricks over and over again. But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't, I am impressed!"
Stewart replied,                                                                                 

 

"Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out, but you know, seventy quid is seventy quid !!"
 

 

 

 

 

 

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

 

[Denny01]

 

 

Edited April 2, 2020 by Denny01

[leck57]

The bloody cat just asked me if I wanted the TV left on while he goes out. Mongrel.

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[Alushar]

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>> _______________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>> WITNESS: July 18th.
>> ATTORNEY: What year?
>> WITNESS: Every year.
>> _____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>> _________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> WITNESS: I forget..
>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>> ___________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>> ____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
>> WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
>> ___________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>> _________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> WITNESS: Getting laid
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> WITNESS: None.
>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> WITNESS: By death..
>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> WITNESS: Take a guess.
>> ___________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
>> _____________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>> ______________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>> _________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>> WITNESS: Oral...
>> _________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
>> ____________________________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
>> ______________________________________
>> And last:
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>> WITNESS: No..
>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
>
Keep well & safe

[Sheal]

Thanks everyone.  I had to step away from the monitor while drinking my coffee.  It doesn't like to be spit on!

[puppycanducruise]

Thanks Alushar, that was great.

[Paulpgr]

[C-Dragons]

26 minutes ago, Sheal said:

Thanks everyone.  I had to step away from the monitor while drinking my coffee.  It doesn't like to be spit on!

I was laughing so hard, I could barely read it to my DH.

Thanks Alushar for sharing, I am going to purchase some of the Author's books to send to my family. Everyone could use a good laugh these days. 😊

Edited April 3, 2020 by C-Dragons

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

[centurycruiser]

Y'all have to get to work Celebrity board. Royal Caribbean has 25 pages of jokes right now.

[centurycruiser]

Here's my contribution to keep things going.

A cowboy walks into a bar. His hat and vest are made of wrapping p. His pants and chaps are made ofvwax paper and his boots were made of tissue paper.  He was arrested for rustling.

[NMTraveller]

[C-Dragons]

7 minutes ago, centurycruiser said:

Y'all have to get to work Celebrity board. Royal Caribbean has 25 pages of jokes right now.

Thanks for the update, but this thread was never intended to be a competition. 😎

 

 

 

[Paulpgr]

Southern Divorce!   A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"    "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."     "No", he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"          "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.            "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"   "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."   The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"   "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one 'cuz we don't have a car."   "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"   "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."   "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"   "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."   Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?     "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.  "I've never wanted a divorce my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

 

[Paulpgr]

[goofysmom99]

[C-Dragons]

[Denny01]

Two of my daughters are lawyers and I just cant keep from sending them these jokes!! And we think they are made up - they aren’t!!

 

Den