“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[NMTraveller]

[leck57]

[leck57]

Day 4 of Social Distancing and today I struck up a conversation with a spider. He seemed nice.

He's a web designer.

[puppycanducruise]

LOL

More please.

[chemmo]

1 hour ago, leck57 said:

Day 4 of Social Distancing and today I struck up a conversation with a spider. He seemed nice.

He's a web designer.

 

Awful!

 

 

[bobndee]

Mother of six children is having "The Talk" with her oldest daughter.  She explains in great detail exactly how things work and what exactly the couple has to do in order to get pregnant.  (tab A, slot B, etc.)  After finishing the mother asks her daughter if she has any questions.  Daughter pauses for a moment, digesting the information and then asks

 

"You and dad did THAT six times?!

 

[goofysmom99]

[Denny01]

[Prost Seattle]

[C-Dragons]

4 minutes ago, Prost Seattle said:

😁😁😁😁😁

 

 

[Denny01]

Social Distance Bingo: I got lots of those, but I’m the most proud (but no one who reads my posts will be surprised!), I came up with a different song to sing while washing my hands: “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” and singing it till I’ve taken down #97 and passed it around!! That takes 25 sec (OK, I wash my hands 5 secs longer than ‘they’ say I need to!). 

 

Den

Edited March 23, 2020 by Denny01

[Denny01]

Dear Tide:

 

I am writing to say what an excellent  product you have. I’ve used it all my married life. A week ago during this quarantine, I spilled some red wine on my new blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was and how during this crisis, he didn’t need me doing such ‘stupid’ things. Well, one thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! Wine AND Blood! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives came by yesterday to tell me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband! What a relief! Going through this crisis is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

 

I thank you once again for having such a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

Yours,  Brenda

—————————————————-

den

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[alibaba1]

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

 

[alibaba1]

A skeleton goes into a bar, and says to the bartender:
"I'd like a beer and a mop"

Edited March 24, 2020 by alibaba1

[Denny01]

Edited March 24, 2020 by Denny01

[bob278]

[C-Dragons]

20 minutes ago, bob278 said:

Great plan! I promise to do my best to comply. 😉
Actually I was almost there. I just have to slide from the couch onto the floor.

Edited March 24, 2020 by C-Dragons

[CILCIANRQTS]

 

Getting older - and there is no senior discount for reading this.

 

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. Exercise, I don't think so.


Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

 

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the hell is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees..

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
.... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what am I here after?

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you!?


Thank you for understanding.
 

[goofysmom99]

[Prost Seattle]

[bob278]

I guess homeschooling needs a new tool.