“So a Penguin, a Horse and Polar Bear walk into a bar on the Edge...

[davekathy]

[goofysmom99]

[tallyho8]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic." I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge" "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I hung up on her!

[tallyho8]

[RickT]

[PTC DAWG]

23 hours ago, davekathy said:

Party pooper right there.  

[tallyho8]

Two best friends, one from Oklahoma and one from Arkansas...bought an RV and decided to tour the good old U.S.A. They stopped in Northern Iowa, and decided they needed to buy some groceries. They went in the store, and the clerk greeted them; and asked if they needed any help. The Oklahoma guy says, "We want some 'maters and 'taters and 'nanners". The clerk says "You're from Oklahoma, aren't you." The Oklahoma guys says "That's right...how did you know?"...and the clerk says "I can tell by the way you talk".

The guy from Arkansas, thought this was funny, so he says "I'm going to try that myself"; so he walks down about a block to another store, enters the store, and is greeted by the clerk, who says "Is there something I can help you with?" The guy says "I need some 'maters and 'taters and 'nanners"...and the clerk says "You're from Arkansas, aren't you"...and the guy says "yeah, how did you know?"...and the clerk says "Because this is a Hardware store"
 

[tallyho8]

Apologies to any rednecks I'm offending. 



After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabaman said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'

(you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

[K.T.B.]

[C-Dragons]

17 minutes ago, K.T.B. said:

 

Edited April 24, 2021 by C-Dragons

[NMTraveller]

[tallyho8]

CHEERLEADERS

 

Edited April 24, 2021 by tallyho8

[NMTraveller]

[mom says]

51 minutes ago, NMTraveller said:

Wonder what the overweight/oversize added cost would be at the airline counter.

Good luck getting that under the bed

[tallyho8]

[K.T.B.]

[goofysmom99]

[bob278]

[bob278]

[K.T.B.]

[C-Dragons]

 

[K.T.B.]

Oh yeah....

 

 

[K.T.B.]

[tallyho8]

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

[PTC DAWG]

3 hours ago, tallyho8 said:

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

Spot on.  LOL